I often receive letters from women whose husbands have the symptoms of Asperger Syndrome/Autism Spectrum. The letters from these women are heartbreaking.
The most common response I see in these women to their marriages is a loss of sense of self-esteem, a loss of their sense of competence, a loss of energy, and a loss of self-respect. They liken their recovery to recovering from a trauma, though some women state that this recovery is more difficult than recovery from trauma. On that last point, I would agree, since living in an Aspergers marriage without counseling or help can result in the feeling of ongoing trauma to the spouse, most often the woman, of the person with AS. Ongoing trauma is deeply reinforced and requires time and a comforting environment in order to overcome it.
The difficulty is that oftentimes these women love their husbands. They don’t want to leave the men they love. They don’t want to break up their families. Yet they choose to do so because it feels to them as if to remain in their marriages would be to resign themselves to the loss of their own mental health.
The photo above is a visual metaphor for one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself: you can remind yourself that the torrents that feel like attacks, judgments, and criticism are on the other side of the fence. They are not generated from within you. They do not result from something you have done or said, nor are they accurate descriptions of your character or intentions. They are outside of you and beyond your control: their causes reside within your spouse.
If you can hold this image, and remember to keep your feet firmly planted on this side of the rails, you have a starting place for healing the wounds inflicted upon you before you came to see that they were not only painful but unwarranted.
The sorrowful aspect to me as a coach is that many women in this situation are willing to look within as a first inclination to understand their part in determining the accuracy of the judgments or accusations hurled their way. Nearly every woman I have spoken with whose husband has AS has told me that her first instinct has been to believe she deserved to be treated in such a way, such a disrespectful and hurtful way.
I have seen professors, doctors, lawyers, housewives and even psychotherapists lose their bearings in these marriages. No one is immune to the effect of trying to live as a neurotypical woman (for such is the name for the non-affected spouse in the world of psychology) in a relationship with a man with AS.
What I have learned is this: seldom is the perception of callous disregard for the feelings and value of the wife an accurate reading of the feelings the man has for his wife. In fact, I have seen shock and distress in husbands who learn that their wives believe they criticize and judge them constantly. Why? Because from their perspective, they are helping or pointing out logical conclusions to certain actions – the rationales are extensive. They can also be devoid of awareness of the emotional effect such behaviors have on another person.
Helping a person with AS understand the mind of a neurotypical spouse is no small task. In some cases, it is possible. In others, sadly, it is my experience that it is not.
For the spouses, I offer supportive coaching. The main thrust of this coaching is validation of the suffering and angst these women have endured without being able to put a name to it and without understanding the causes of their distress. I also help with development of skills for interacting with their AS spouses without losing their sense of self.
It is not easy work in either case.
But it is work that can help. It is work that is worth considering if you find yourself in an Asperger Marriage and some of what I have mentioned above applies to you.
The last thing you need in your fragile state is to encounter a coach who tries to help you fix yourself, as you no doubt intuitively realize. What you need is reinforcement and coping skills, not fixing.
I send my best wishes to any woman to whom this post is meaningful. I understand and feel your pain. I wish with every cell in my body that you were not going through this distress and hope that you will find resolution to your grief and a place in the sun in the near future