Be prepared, Cassandra, wife to the man with Asperger Syndrome/Autism Spectrum.
That part of you that seems the most real, the deepest and most authentic part, is the part that you will have the most trouble expressing to others.
Why?
Is it because you’re so inept at describing your feelings? I doubt it. Because you don’t know how you feel? No. Because no one is likely to believe you? Absolutely.
Cassandra of Greek mythology was given the gift of prophecy by Apollo, and when his seductions failed to woo her, he cursed her by allowing the gift to remain with the consequence that no one would believe her, regardless of the fact that she told the truth.
Does this sound familiar to you?
All the years of your marriage, during which you disregarded your instincts and made excuses for your husband’s hurtful behaviors and tried, tried, and tried again to reach him have left you with a story that you know is true: whom do you tell?
If you are like most women I speak to in my practice who are married to men with AS, you have learned not to tell anyone. Why? Because you are weary of the following typical responses:
- “Are you nuts? He’s wonderful! Everyone loves him!”
- “Are you nuts? Look at all the things he has provided for you – your home, your vacations, a good life…”
- “Are you nuts? No marriage is perfect.”
- “Are you nuts? How selfish can you be? Do you ever think about what you might be doing wrong?”
- “Are you nuts? You’ve always looked like the perfect couple to everyone else.
Your friends mean well. They just don’t know what you know.
This is why the term Cassandra Syndrome is often used in the literature describing a marriage between a man with AS and a neurotypical woman. She learns to stop telling her story, because no one believes her. No one knows what it is like on the inside of her marriage, as no one knows what goes on inside any marriage but the two spouses themselves. However, in the AS marriage, what goes on inside is almost nothing intimate, almost nothing personal, and almost nothing uplifting. To the contrary, it is often a desolate place for a woman: lonely, criticized, blamed, and ignored – in a word, misunderstood.
What can you do?
Find someone who can talk to who will not minimize your tender efforts to tell your story. You are right when you say you are starving emotionally. You are right when you say you feel criticized every time you open your mouth. You are right when you feel that there is no connection at all between the two of you, and that your life is one day after another of going through the motions. If this is what your life feels like to you, then you are right. This is your story.
Cassandra told the truth. No one believed her,
If you find a coach or a therapist who understands this AS marriage, you will find at least one person who believes you. She can help you in a significant way: she can help you understand and believe your own story. She can help you see that you what you are missing in your most intimate partnership is valuable, important, and even necessary in your life. Emotional security is not an option to the marriage contract: it is implicit.
If you would like to work with me, remember that my clients live in all states and various countries around the world. We work on the telephone or via Skype, depending on what we decide would work best.
The most important thing is this:
Tell your story, Cassandra.
Break the chain. Find one person who believes you, and then believe yourself.
You will find a new world awaiting you, a world in which you are able to think clearly and make decisions clearly about your own life, letting go of the view of you your husband has imposed upon you, which you have come to accept but which is not you at all.
You will be able to expand your view of yourself to include the things above the water, reflected upon the surface of the water, and things that lie hidden beneath it. You are all these things. Look at the photo above and hold it in your heart to remind you of all three levels. And remember its beauty. Remember your beauty.
Speak.
You will hear yourself when someone hears you. You will hear your truth.