What’s one of the risks you face when you are married to someone on the autism spectrum?
Forgetting to take care of yourself. No one sets out to do this. It happens. Slowly. One day, you wake up and you feel as if there’s a you-shaped hole in the middle of your life.
It’s not selfish of you to notice this, by the way. In fact, the day you realize you’re missing in action is the day you can start to recover some ground.
Here are three things to consider when you’re faced with claiming your life once again:
1. Asking for respect is not a question of whether you deserve it from your spouse. Respect in a marriage is Basic Human Stuff.
You’re not asking for special privileges when you decide that you’re worthy of respect. There is no law that says your opinion needs to be judged inadequate every time you open your mouth; there is no template requiring that you cut off parts of yourself in order to comply. If your spouse is not showing you that s/he understands you have an independent existence which is your very own precious life, it might be time to consider counseling.
Find a therapist who understands both the individual who is on the spectrum and the person (commonly called the neuro-typical partner) who is not. The reason it is imperative that both sides be understood is that they are so different. A skilled therapist can serve as a translator so that each partner can feel heard and understood. You are not asking for anything special when you suggest getting counseling in order to feel that you and your partner might learn to speak the same language.
2. You don’t have to leave your marriage unless you want to do so. Let yourself relax for a while.
Divorce is not the only answer to the pain that can come after years of an ASD/NT misalignment in marriage. For one thing, you might benefit from a period of transition while you are learning about each other and about what it possible in light of newly diagnosed or discovered ASD. There’s no need to rush to divorce.
Couples find many innovative ways of remaining in their marriages while accommodating the differences that ASD brings to the relationship. Don’t give up too soon. Divorce will always be an option down the road. Be sure you allow yourself to make this choice freely instead of feeling you are running from a burning house. Where will you go when you leave? Who will you be? These questions are better considered before you rush to court.
3. Allow yourself to feel your emotions.
Feelings are fleeting. Just as those moments of indescribable joy seem to fade with time, so too do moments of sadness, of pain, of melancholy. Often individuals in ASD/NT marriages tell me they are afraid to let themselves feel sad because they are afraid that if they do, they will never stop crying. One way to look at that is to understand that your resistance to feeling your feelings is telling you how deeply affected you are. This fear is an indicator that it is in your best interest to look deeper, even though every fiber of your body is telling you to bury it and move on.
Bury it in food? In exercise? In fantasy online romances? None of those things help, and they can create their own webs of problems. Try guided imagery meditations. Try telling yourself you are allowed to be sad and cry in the car. Try writing and writing and writing in your journal, and letting yourself cry as you do. Feelings of sadness are no more permanent than feelings of delight. And you can learn to choose how you look at things which will tilt you toward coming out of an emotional tailspin more quickly than you might ever have thought possible, if you let yourself believe that it is up to you to decide where to direct your attention and your energy.
There are qualities in your partner that led you to marry in the first place. Those qualities may sometimes seem hidden from view these days, but awareness of them is recoverable. You have the power to look at things with different eyes, eyes educated about the variables presented by ASD, and you can choose how you want to proceed, being mindful that taking care of yourself is equally as important as taking care of your partner.
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