What's one of the risks you face when you are married to someone on the autism spectrum? Forgetting to take care of yourself. No one sets out to do this. It happens. Slowly. One day, you wake up and you feel as if there's a you-shaped hole in the middle of your life. It's not selfish of you to notice...[ read more ]
In her groundbreaking book Codependent No More (first published in 1986), Melodie Beattie quotes Robert Subby (Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue) who defines codependency as "an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well...[ read more ]
I often receive letters from women whose husbands have the symptoms of Asperger Syndrome/Autism Spectrum. The letters from these women are heartbreaking. The most common response I see in these women to their marriages is a loss of sense of self-esteem, a loss of their sense of competence, a loss of energy, and a loss of self-respect. They liken their...[ read more ]
One of the greatest challenges you will face as you undertake the work of regaining your sense of self is believing that it is there in the first place. You can feel so worn down. You are good at taking care of everyone else. You have put your own needs off for so long that you barely know what they...[ read more ]
Sometimes, you get a hug and feel understood. Sometimes, you get a kiss and feel loved. Sometimes, you get a sneer and feel rejected. If your husband has Asperger Syndrome/Autism Spectrum, it is possible that you can do or say exactly the same thing on three separate occasions, and get three separate responses. What happens? You feel hurt sometimes. You...[ read more ]
Be prepared, Cassandra, wife to the man with Asperger Syndrome/Autism Spectrum. That part of you that seems the most real, the deepest and most authentic part, is the part that you will have the most trouble expressing to others. Why? Is it because you're so inept at describing your feelings? I doubt it. Because you don't know how you feel?...[ read more ]
You had your reasons. You did not undertake divorce lightly. It was difficult, confusing, painful. But you survived, and it is behind you now. Except that it's not. You feel more guilty now than you did when you first said you wanted out of the marriage, a marriage that felt good enough, and certainly looked good enough to everyone else,...[ read more ]